The Secret to Avoiding Frustration, Especially When Your Dog ‘Misbehaves’
Is it even possible?
Some people say that training positively does not work. They insist that you need to be a leader to your dog. If you don’t set and enforce boundaries in training and daily life, your dog will not respect you. So each time your dog ‘misbehaves’, you should raise your voice, smack the dog, spray water in his face, yank on the slip leash, press a remote to deliver a zap.
Over time, even if you had any doubt about these methods at the beginning, they start fading away because you see a ‘calmer’ and ‘quieter’ dog. Soon enough, your dog stops trying to do anything altogether, for fear of potential pain or scary things happening to him. And for you, there is no longer any stress over misbehaviour. Seems like a good deal except perhaps sometimes you wonder:
How in the world do positive reinforcement based trainers live without these methods of disciplining the dogs?
How is it possible to work and live with their dogs without animosity?
How are their dogs not causing any frustration and still displaying their fun, silly, and goofy personalities?
Is it just… that they have easier dogs?
Well, I wished our dogs were easier, or that we never experience unpleasant emotions or frustration when it comes to our dogs. But we are human too. A commitment to choosing science-backed, welfare focused methods means a commitment to growth on the human end too. Understanding the simple steps and rationale can help you lead a low stress, low frustration lifestyle with your dog too!
Understanding the Human and Dog Brain
Thanks to the latest imaging and research studies, we now know that there are many similarities between the human brain and that of dogs. Although dog brains are much smaller (about 1/10th the weight) compared to human brains, there are core functions that are similar, especially when it comes to the limbic system.
The limbic system is responsible for processing emotions, instincts, and survival behaviors. Some key functions include:
Emotions: Handles feelings like fear, anger, excitement, and pleasure.
Memory: Helps store emotional memories, which is why certain events can trigger strong reactions later.
Fight, Flight, Fawn, or Freeze Responses: Activates automatic survival instincts in response to stress or perceived danger.
Social Bonds: Plays a role in forming connections with others, including human-dog relationships.
For both dogs and humans, the limbic system takes over when we feel frustrated, angry, or stressed. When a dog starts barking or chewing when they feel over-stimulated or anxious, it is an instinctual, emotional response.
When humans, not understanding the function and cause of the behaviour, see dogs misbehaving (i.e. barking, chewing), our own limbic system takes over and the stress of our dog’s behaviour makes us react by yelling, or thinking that they’re being difficult or bad.
While it is completely understandable why many of us would react that way to many of our dogs’ undesirable behaviours, it makes us stuck in a perpetual cycle of frustration, stress, and even anger. When these negative emotions start mounting and growing, we see now way out but start ‘fighting’ with our dog instead. We scold, yell, smack, or use any means necessary to put a stop to what is causing us distress and upset.
Breaking the Cycle of Frustration, and Keeping it at bay
The good news is, we don’t have to be stuck in that negative cycle.
Humans have a more complex brain, and are capable of metacognition–which means that when we have an understanding of the limbic system, we can start to respond appropriately rather than react negatively.
It also means that the key to resolving the ‘bad behaviours’ and avoiding frustration lies with us humans. How can we keep calm and collected, while resolving the issue without any force?
Consider this simple 2 step process to help you shift from a state of reaction to resolution:
Step 1: Self-Regulate (”come and go”)
When something unpleasant happens with your dog, e.g. when he starts barking uncontrollably at strangers outside of the house, when he begins to chew your shoes, when your pup eliminates at the wrong spot, pause and take a deep breath. You may also silently count to 10.
This helps lower your heart rate and gives your rational brain time to regain control over your limbic system..
In your head, acknowledge & accept that you are feeling upset right now. It is a perfectly normal reaction, and nothing to be ashamed of. Let the emotions come. The good news is, emotions will also leave once they’ve served their function.
Remind yourself that your dog is simply reacting based on instinct or unmet needs. Reframing their behavior as a communication tool (rather than "disobedience") can help reduce the frustration.
Remember: you have to break the cycle of reactivity for both you and your dog in order to move forward.
Step 2: Turn Reaction into Resolution
In that moment of reaction, both you and your dog are in ‘survival mode’, responding to stress or perceived danger.
The only way to help your dog out of that mode, is to first shift yourself out of it by self-regulating, and moving on to problem solving instead. A quick way to begin problem solving is to ask questions such as:
What is causing my dog to react this way?
What can I do to interrupt the response or eliminate the trigger (if any)?
Remember: in this state, no training should be done because the brain cannot learn while in survival mode. Leave actual training to later, focus on managing and interrupting the behaviour now.
Practise, Practise, Practise
With more practice, we become better at both steps and the process of avoiding frustration becomes faster and even second nature to us. Perhaps most importantly, we stop thinking that our dogs’ behaviours are personal, or that they are deliberately trying to rebel, which stems from dominance theory debunked many years ago.
Every behaviour serves a function, including ours.
This is how positive reinforcement based, welfare focused trainers live with our dogs, and how we coach clients in need of help too. When you’ve identified areas that require extra coaching, that’s when you can reach out to a certified professional to work on skills to help your dog cope better, and get the right support you need without any shaming or guilt-tripping.
Not only is living and training without frustration, pain and fear possible, but a very crucial part of building a strong bond with your dogs. Feel good about choosing science-backed methods at the same time.
If you need support and help, book a consultation to find out more about how I can work with you to achieve a frustration free life with your pup without any need for pain or fear.